Recognizing the "Yes" That Betrays You

Dr. Nikki LeToya White self abandonment loop

I’ve lived through the cycle of what I like to call the self-abandonment loop. Self-abandonment is when you ignore your needs, feelings, or limits to keep others comfortable or avoid conflict. You stop it by noticing when your body says “no,” pausing before agreeing, and choosing small moments of honesty with yourself. Healing starts with awareness, not perfection or drastic change.

You’re standing in the kitchen. Your partner asks for a favor.You’re tired. You’ve already done enough today.

But you hear yourself say it anyway — “Yeah, I got it.”

And just like that… something in you goes quiet.

Not dramatic. Not loud.Just a subtle drop inside your chest.

You don’t argue. You don’t protest.You just override yourself.

Again.

So what is that moment, really?

Self-abandonment isn’t some big, obvious collapse of identity. I’ve learned the hard way that self-abandonment is quieter than that.

From my perspective, it’s like having an internal compass… and choosing to ignore it because keeping the peace feels safer than telling the truth.

Think of it like this:

 Your needs are like text messages from your body. Self-abandonment is leaving them on “read.”

At first, it doesn’t seem like a big deal.

But over time?You stop checking your own inbox completely.

The “Yes” That Costs You More Than You Think

It’s a hard truth to admit, but we like to think self-abandonment is about big life choices.

But it’s not.

It’s in the small, everyday moments:

• saying yes when your body says no

• laughing something off that actually hurt

• staying quiet to avoid tension

• over-giving so you don’t feel replaceable

And here’s the part that hits a little deeper — 

You’re not doing this because you’re weak.

You’re doing it because, at some point, this worked.

Where This Pattern Actually Comes From

If you grew up in environments where love felt conditional…or where your emotional needs weren’t fully seen…

you learned something early:

 “It’s safer to adjust myself than risk disconnection.”

That’s attachment.

My research into attachment theory, especially the work of John Bowlby, shows that early relational experiences shape how we respond to closeness, conflict, and emotional needs later in life.

And studies like Mikulincer and Shaver 2007 attachment research expand on this — highlighting how people with anxious attachment often prioritize others’ needs to maintain connection, even at their own expense.

So no… this didn’t come out of nowhere.

This is learned survival.

But Here’s Where It Gets Personal

You can know all of that… and still feel stuck.

Because this doesn’t just show up in theory.It shows up in your real life.

Your marriage.Your routines.Your identity.

How Self-Abandonment Shows Up in One-Sided Relationships

Let’s talk about what’s actually happening behind the scenes, because I’ve seen firsthand in both my lived experience and as a counselor how people think and behave.

You become:

• the planner

• the emotional support system

• the one who “keeps things together”

• or like me, the overgiver and recsuer

And slowly… you disappear inside your own life.

And if you’re anything like me — 

Being a trucker wife, staying home raising the kids, working full time all while carrying the weight of the relationship, while also being quietly judged for it from folks who think your life is easier than theirs…

that pressure hits different.

There’s this unspoken narrative: “You should be grateful.” “You’re not doing enough.” “Don’t complain.”

So what do you do?

You give more.You prove more.You shrink more.

Until one day you realize — 

You’re in a relationship…but it feels one-sided.

And yeah… I’ve lived that.

And so have many of the women who reach out after reading my “Shame Story.” You can

read my story in the link below

https://www.spicedlifeconversation.com/post/healing-ancestral-family-patters

Not because they’re broken.

But because they’ve been abandoning themselves for so long, it started to feel normal.

The Body Knows Before Your Mind Admits It

Here’s something most articles won’t tell you:

Your body always knows when you’re betraying yourself.

You just learned to ignore it.

Pay attention to these moments:

• that tight feeling in your chest when you agree too fast

• the exhaustion that hits after over-giving

• the slight anxiety before responding to someone

• the inner hesitation you brush past

That’s not random.

That’s your body saying: “Hey… this isn’t aligned.”

But instead of listening, we override it.

Because conflict feels scarier than self-betrayal.

Why It Feels So Hard to Stop

Let’s be real for a second — 

If it were just about “setting boundaries,” you would’ve done it already.

The real fear sounds more like:

• “What if they pull away?”

• “What if I’m too much… or not enough?”

• “What if I lose the relationship?”

And underneath all of that?

 “Will I still be loved if I stop over-giving?”

That’s the core.

Not logic.Not strategy.

Attachment.

And Here’s the Truth Most People Avoid Saying

Some relationships are built on the version of you that self-abandons.

So when you start choosing yourself?

Things shift.

I know it did for me and many of the Gutty Girls within my community, I support. 

Sometimes subtly.Sometimes uncomfortably.

But pretending that won’t happen? That’s how people stay stuck.

And I know I talk about trauma and addiction a lot in my writing. I share my lived experience openly — and I do that on purpose.

I say the things I wish someone had said to me when I was struggling after my second relapse ten years ago.

This fall, I’ll be celebrating 10 years of full remission in my sobriety. And I don’t take that lightly.

I want the woman who feels alone in this to hear me clearly — you’re not stuck like this forever.

And we need to widen the conversation around what sobriety actually looks like.

Because self-abandonment doesn’t just show up with alcohol or drugs.

It shows up in one-sided relationships.In anxiety.In binge eating.In constantly choosing others over yourself until you disappear.

But if it’s not alcohol or drugs, people don’t always call it sobriety.

And that silence? It keeps a lot of women suffering in plain sight.

A Tiny Step That Actually Changes Something

Not a big boundary. Not a life overhaul.

Just this:

The next time someone asks you for something — pause.

That’s it.

Don’t answer immediately.

Let your body respond first.

Ask yourself:

• “Do I actually want to do this?”

• “What would I say if I didn’t feel pressure?”

And even if you still say yes…

you’ve already interrupted the pattern.

Because healing self-abandonment doesn’t start with saying no.

It starts with finally hearing yourself before you answer.

And that?

That’s where everything begins.

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Need Help Developing A Plan For Self-Care

Do you want help developing a self-care plan that works for your busy schedule? Do you want accountability in implementing a self-care plan? If you or someone you love is struggling to maintain optimal mental and emotional health, consider reaching out to Spiced Life Conversation Art Wellness Studio and Botanica. We are a Metro Atlanta, Conyers Georgia area. We are a coaching and counseling practice with empathetic, skilled counselors and recovery coaches who can help you set goals, develop a self-care routine, and move forward to build a more fulfilling life. Our team would be happy to work with you either just for a couple of sessions to develop and implement a Self-care plan or longer term to work toward overall better mental health within our membership site or other programs.

Dr. Nikki LeToya White

About The Author:

Dr. Nikki LeToya White MSEd-TL, Ph.D. RHN is the founder, director, and full-time board-certified trauma-informed nutritionist, folk herbalist, and wellness consultant at Spiced Life Conversation Art Wellness Studio and Botanica. She created Spiced Life Conversation, LLC

Art Wellness Studio and Botanica to provide the Metro Atlanta area with counseling and coaching services where clients are carefully matched with the right program for healing abandonment and childhood emotional neglect trauma that cause codependency, emotional eating, financial stress, and imposter syndrome as it relates to fear of success and being abandon. We help you begin your emotional healing journey with ease. Recently, we have expanded to include an online membership site so we now provide support to people living all over the world. All of our recovery coaches provide at least one evidence-based treatment to assist in your recovery. Dr. White is a big proponent of self-care and helping people live a fulfilling life! She has been in full remission with both codependency and emotional binge eating disorder since 2016. In living a life in recovery from sugar addiction. Loving her low-sugar balance lifestyle.

Best Regards

Dr. Nikki LeToya White