How to Stop Self-Abandonment, Emotional Eating, and People-Pleasing in Relationships

Heal anxiety, set boundaries without guilt, and finally feel in control of your life again

I didn’t just “struggle with self-abandonment.”

I lived it.

I learned it early.

As a little girl, I felt what it was like to not be chosen.My father didn’t want me.My mother left to build her career.I was sent to live with my great grandmother, surrounded by people who didn’t know how to talk about feelings… or hold space for them.

So I learned to be quiet.To not need too much.To handle things on my own.

Because somewhere in my mind, I decided:“If I’m easy to love, maybe people will stay.”

But they didn’t.

And that belief followed me into everything.

—

In high school, I had a miscarriage in my senior year.

And no one talked about it. No one asked how I felt. No one helped me process it.

It was like it never happened.

So I learned something else that day:

“My pain doesn’t matter enough to be seen.”

So I carried it. Alone. Until I finally processed it in my late 30's.

—

As a wife, I shrank myself.

I stayed quiet when people were disrespectful, when I was being mom-shamed. I didn’t speak up because I didn’t want to cause problems in my marriage. So I focus on supporting his dreams, and I made his success mean security for me.

I told myself: “This is what a good woman does.”

But really?

I was afraid.

Afraid that if I used my voice…I would lose everything.

—

When my husband started working over the road, my body broke.

Panic attacks.

Separation anxiety.

Fear I couldn’t explain.

But it made perfect sense.

Because my nervous system was saying:

“Here we go again… you’re about to be left.”

That’s when I was diagnosed with abandonment issues and childhood emotional neglect.

But even then…

I didn’t know how to feel anything.

So I coped the only way I knew how.

Food.

—

I didn’t have an eating problem.

I had emotions I was never taught how to process.

Food became comfort.Relief.Something that stayed when people didn’t.

And every time life felt overwhelming…

I went back to it.

—

I kept putting my life on hold.

My business.

My goals.

My voice.

Because I believed:

“My husband's work was our stability.”

“His success comes first.”

So I overgave.

Overextended.

Overexplained.

Trying to earn love.

Trying to secure my place.

Trying to finally feel chosen.

—

But here’s what no one tells you:

Self-abandonment doesn’t look dramatic.

It looks like:

• staying quiet when something hurts

• saying yes when you mean no

• putting yourself last over and over again

• building a life around other people… and disappearing in it

It looks like being the strong one…

And secretly falling apart.

—

I burned out.

Twice.

I relapsed.

Twice.

Not because I was weak…

But because I was still living the same pattern:

Overgiving.

Self-neglecting.

Emotionally exhausted.

That always leads to collapse.

—

The hardest truth I had to face was this:

I didn’t feel worthy of being chosen.

So I kept choosing people who confirmed that.

I thought love had to be earned.

I thought being needed meant being valued.

I thought success would cost me love…

Because it always had.

—

But something shifted.

I got tired.

Tired of waiting to be chosen.

Tired of abandoning myself.

Tired of building a life that didn’t include me.

So I started doing the work.

I learned how to feel.

How to process emotions instead of escaping them.

How to set boundaries without guilt.

How to stop overgiving in one-sided relationships.

How to trust myself again.

How to choose myself… even when it felt uncomfortable.

—

Now?

I help women who are stuck in that same cycle.

The ones who:

• feel invisible in relationships

• overgive and end up empty

• use food to cope with emotions

• struggle to speak up for themselves

• feel like they’re always the second option

I help them stop abandoning themselves…

So they can finally feel in control of their emotions, their choices, and their lives.

—

Because you were never too much.

You were just never supported enough.

And you don’t have to keep living like this.

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How To Stop Self-Abanoning?

Pattern Interruption: What to Do Right When You’re About to Abandon Yourself

This is the moment everything usually goes left:

• You’re about to say yes but you mean no

• You feel the urge to eat but you’re not hungry

• You start overexplaining so you don’t upset someone

• You feel that tight anxiety in your chest

This is the moment to interrupt the pattern.

1. Pause the autopilot (5–10 seconds)

Before you respond, eat, explain, or fix anything—pause.

Put your hand on your chest or stomach and ask:

“What am I feeling right now?”

Not what you should feel. What’s actually there?

Examples:

• “I feel anxious.”

• “I feel rejected.”

• “I feel like I’m about to be left.”

• “I feel invisible.”

This step alone breaks the unconscious cycle.

2. Name the real trigger (not the surface story)

Most women think:

• “I just want something sweet”

• “I don’t want to be rude”

• “It’s not a big deal”

But the real trigger is usually:

fear of rejection

fear of abandonment

fear of not being chosen

Say it plainly:

“I’m about to abandon myself so I don’t feel rejected.”

That level of honesty shifts everything.

3. Feel it instead of escaping it (this is the hard part)

Your body is holding emotion that was never processed.

of:

• eating

• texting

• explaining

• fixing

  
  

  Sit with it for 90 seconds.

Let the feeling move through your body:

• tight chest

• lump in throat

• stomach drop

You’re not dying.

You’re feeling something you were never taught how to feel.

This is where emotional eating starts to lose its grip.

4. Choose one self-honoring action

Not a big life change. Just one small shift.

Instead of:

• saying yes → say “let me get back to you”

• overexplaining → say less

• reaching for food → drink water + wait 10 minutes

• people-pleasing → ask “what do I need right now?”

Self-trust is built in small decisions, not big promises.

5. Rewire the belief in real time

This is where healing happens.

Old belief: “If I don’t do this, I’ll lose them.”

New truth: “I don’t have to abandon myself to be loved.”

Say it—even if you don’t fully believe it yet.

What this actually does

You’re not just “coping better.”

You’re:

• retraining your nervous system

• breaking emotional eating loops

• building self-trust

• stopping the cycle of one-sided relationships

Read this part twice

You won’t do this perfectly.

You will still:

• overgive

• eat emotionally

• stay quiet sometimes

But the goal is this:

Catch yourself faster.

Because every time you pause instead of abandoning yourself…

You take your power back.

If this hit you

Start with one moment today.

Not your whole life.

Just one moment where you choose yourself instead of the pattern.

That’s how this changes.

That's how you stop self-abandonmernt paaterns.

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ARE YOU LOOKING TO DIVE DEEPER INTO SELF-CARE?

I Can Help in Developing A Plan For Self Care

 Do you want help developing a self-care plan that works for your own busy schedule? Do you want accountability in implementing a self-care plan? If you or someone you love is struggling to maintain optimal mental and emotional health, consider reaching out to Spiced Life Conversation Art Wellness Studio and Botanica. We are a Metro Atlanta, Conyers Georgia area. We are a coaching and counseling practice with empathetic, skilled counselors and recovery coaches who can help you set goals, develop a self-care routine, and move forward to build a more fulfilling life. Our team would be happy to work with you either just for a couple of sessions to develop and implement a Self-care plan or longer term to work toward overall better mental health within our membership site or other programs.

Dr. Nikki LeToya White

About The Author:  Dr. Nikki LeToya White MSEd-TL, Ph.D. RHN is the founder, director, and full-time board-certified trauma-informed nutritionist, folk herbalist, and wellness consultant at Spiced Life Conversation Art Wellness Studio and Botanica. She created Spiced Life Conversation, LLC Art Wellness Studio, and Botanica to provide the Metro Atlanta area with counseling and coaching services where clients are carefully matched with the right program for healing abandonment and childhood emotional neglect trauma that cause codependency, emotional eating, financial stress, and imposter syndrome as it relates to the fear of success and being abandon. We help you begin your emotional healing journey with ease. Recently, we have expanded to include an online membership site so we now provide support to people living all over the world. All of our recovery coaches provide at least one evidence-based treatment to assist in your recovery. Dr. White is a big proponent of self-care and helping people live a fulfilling life! She has been in full remission with both codependency and emotional binge eating disorder since 2016. In living a life in recovery from sugar addiction. I love my low-sugar balanced lifestyle.

Best Regards

 Dr. Nikki LeToya White