My Mother Didn’t Know How to Show Up for Me — So I’m Learning to Show Up for Myself

🌺 [Cycle Breaker Diaries] My Mother Didn’t Know How to Show Up for Me — So I’m Learning to Show Up for Myself

The other day, I was featured in an article. It was a big moment — not just for me professionally, but personally. It symbolized years of healing, rising, and finally being seen in a way that I fought so hard for.

Naturally, I wanted to share it with my mom. I sent her the link, hoping maybe this would be a moment for us to connect. Maybe she’d finally say, “I’m proud of you.”

Her reply? “Congratulations.”Then she immediately shifted the conversation to my daughter’s new job after college.

No real curiosity. No “Tell me more about this article.” No “How did it feel to be featured?”

And my heart… quietly sank.

😔 I Didn’t Expect Much — But I Still Hoped

The truth is, my mom and I don’t talk about much beyond the weather and my kids. We love each other, but we don’t connect. Our bond is surface-level, built more on history than heart.

She left me with my great-grandmother to pursue her law enforcement career. I moved back in with her after my grandmother (the same one who raised us both) passed away. And while I know she provided what she could, we never had that emotional closeness — that nurturing bond.

This moment — this article — was a chance to build something. To shift, even slightly, toward a more vulnerable connection. But it didn’t happen.

💡 That’s When I Realized: This Is the Mother Wound

The mother wound isn’t just about abuse or neglect. Sometimes, it’s the absence of emotional attunement. It’s a longing to be seen, understood, celebrated — and the heartbreak of realizing your mother doesn’t know how.

She wanted a child so badly. But wanting a child doesn’t mean you know how to emotionally mother one.

Especially when no one mothered you.

Her mother — my grandmother — died early. She too was emotionally distant. Physical needs were prioritized, not feelings. That’s how survival worked in those days.

Generational emotional intelligence was low. That legacy got passed down.

But I’ve decided: It ends with me.

🧬 I’m a Cycle Breaker — And That’s Not Easy

I don’t shame my mom. I love her. She did the best she could with what she had. But love doesn’t mean silence. Love doesn’t mean staying in pain.

It means being honest. It means choosing growth — even when it hurts.

Because this pattern doesn’t just cause mother-daughter distance.

It creates:

• 🔁 Codependency: Always trying to earn love through over-giving.

• 😰 People-pleasing: Avoiding conflict to feel safe.

• 🍫 Emotional eating: Soothing unmet emotional needs with food.

• 🏆 Achievement addiction: Thinking success will finally make you feel worthy.

I’ve lived all of this. I’ve felt that hunger to be enough. But now, I’m doing the work to heal — not just for me, but for my children. So they don’t grow up wondering if love is earned or deserved.

💖 I’m Learning to Love Her and Myself Differently

I no longer expect my mother to show up for me in the ways I craved.Instead, I’m showing up for myself.I’m becoming the safe space I always needed.And I’m teaching my kids something new:That love is not conditional. That emotions matter. That they are enough — exactly as they are.

This moment with my mom wasn’t the breakthrough I hoped for.But it was an opportunity:To grow, to reflect, and to recommit to breaking this cycle.

And that’s what being a light is about.Not perfection. Not performance.But presence. Truth.

And healing — in public, so others know they’re not alone.

🧵 If this resonates, let’s talk about it:

• Have you experienced a similar disconnect with your mother?

• How has the mother wound shaped your self-worth?

• Are you also trying to be a cycle breaker in your family?

You’re not alone. Let’s grow through this — together. 🌱

Read about my feature here.

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About The Author:  Dr. Nikki LeToya White MSEd-TL, Ph.D. RHN is the founder, director, and full-time board-certified trauma-informed nutritionist, folk herbalist, and wellness consultant at Spiced Life Conversation Art Wellness Studio and Botanica. She created Spiced Life Conversation, LLC Art Wellness Studio, and Botanica to provide the Metro Atlanta area with counseling and coaching services where clients are carefully matched with the right program for healing abandonment and childhood emotional neglect trauma that cause codependency, emotional eating, financial stress, and imposter syndrome as it relates to the fear of success and being abandon. We help you begin your emotional healing journey with ease. Recently, we have expanded to include an online membership site so we now provide support to people living all over the world. All of our recovery coaches provide at least one evidence-based treatment to assist in your recovery. Dr. White is a big proponent of self-care and helping people live a fulfilling life! She has been in full remission with both codependency and emotional binge eating disorder since 2016. In living a life in recovery from sugar addiction. I love my low-sugar balanced lifestyle.

Best Regards

 Dr. Nikki LeToya White