“Why do I attract emotionally unavailable partners?”

The Link Between Abandonment, CEN, and the Fawn Response

If you find yourself repeatedly asking, “Why do I attract emotionally unavailable partners?”, you aren't just unlucky in love. For those of us with a history of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) and abandonment trauma, this pattern is actually a nervous system response. We aren't looking for love; we are looking for a familiar frequency. After a decade in full remission from codependency and emotional eating, I’ve learned that we don't attract what we want—we attract what we are regulated to handle.

The "Unworthiness" Magnet: Why We Choose the Chase

When you grow up with CEN, your emotional needs were likely treated as a burden. This creates a core wound of unworthiness. As adults, we unconsciously seek out emotionally unavailable partners because their distance feels "safe" and familiar. If someone were actually available and consistent, it would trigger our insecure attachment, making us feel exposed or even panicked. We are addicted to the "chase" because the "catch" feels like a threat to our guarded hearts.

Self-Abandonment as a Survival Strategy

In these one-sided relationships, we rely on the fawn response. This is a nervous system state where we become "professional people-pleasers" to avoid the pain of being left. We anticipate their needs, ignore our own boundaries, and effectively disappear. This self-abandonment is exhausting, and it’s exactly why so many of us escape with food at the end of the day. We are starving for the emotional nourishment our partners can't give, so we try to find it in a sugar-fix.

Breaking the Cycle: Nervous System Regulation is the Key

To stop attracting emotionally unavailable partners, you have to stop being available for your own self-betrayal. Recovery isn't about "dating better"; it's about nervous system repair.

• Slow Living: I had to learn to lower the "internal pressure" that told me I had to fix everyone to be loved.

• Low-Sugar Lifestyle: By stabilizing my blood sugar, I reduced the physical anxiety that made me feel "panicky" when a partner pulled away.

• Body Peace: I started listening to my body's "No," whether that was in the bedroom or in a conversation.

From Panic to Peace: My 10-Year Remission

Healing from abandonment triggers took me from being a burnt-out therapist to a woman who finally prioritizes her own peace. You can move from insecure attachmentto a regulated life, but it starts with realizing that you are not broken—your nervous system is just trying to protect a version of you that is no longer in danger.

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ARE YOU LOOKING TO DIVE DEEPER INTO SELF-CARE?

I Can Help in Developing A Plan For Self Care

 Do you want help developing a self-care plan that works for your own busy schedule? Do you want accountability in implementing a self-care plan? If you or someone you love is struggling to maintain optimal mental and emotional health, consider reaching out to Spiced Life Conversation Art Wellness Studio and Botanica. We are a Metro Atlanta, Conyers Georgia area. We are a coaching and counseling practice with empathetic, skilled counselors and recovery coaches who can help you set goals, develop a self-care routine, and move forward to build a more fulfilling life. Our team would be happy to work with you either just for a couple of sessions to develop and implement a Self-care plan or longer term to work toward overall better mental health within our membership site or other programs.

Dr. Nikki LeToya White

About The Author:  Dr. Nikki LeToya White MSEd-TL, Ph.D. RHN is the founder, director, and full-time board-certified trauma-informed nutritionist, folk herbalist, and wellness consultant at Spiced Life Conversation Art Wellness Studio and Botanica. She created Spiced Life Conversation, LLC Art Wellness Studio, and Botanica to provide the Metro Atlanta area with counseling and coaching services where clients are carefully matched with the right program for healing abandonment and childhood emotional neglect trauma that cause codependency, emotional eating, financial stress, and imposter syndrome as it relates to the fear of success and being abandon. We help you begin your emotional healing journey with ease. Recently, we have expanded to include an online membership site so we now provide support to people living all over the world. All of our recovery coaches provide at least one evidence-based treatment to assist in your recovery. Dr. White is a big proponent of self-care and helping people live a fulfilling life! She has been in full remission with both codependency and emotional binge eating disorder since 2016. In living a life in recovery from sugar addiction. I love my low-sugar balanced lifestyle.

Best Regards