Stop Asking Why You Attract Emotionally Unavailable Partners (And Start Asking Why You’re Available for the Nonsense)

Let’s have a "slow living" moment of truth: If I had a dollar for every time I Googled “Why do I attract emotionally unavailable partners?” during my decade of codependency, I could have skipped the tummy tuck and bought a private island.

As a former therapist who burnt out from a Olympic-level fawn response, I’m here to tell you: You aren’t a "magnet" for broken people. You’re just regulated for the chaos.

The "Unworthiness" Olympics

We like to blame the "narcissists" and the "ghosters," but let’s talk about the Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) in the room. When you grow up with your emotional needs on "mute," your nervous system learns that love is something you have to earn, chase, or fix.

In my insecure attachment days, if a man was actually consistent and kind, I didn't feel "safe"—I felt bored. Or worse, I felt panicked. My body was so used to the high-cortisol "chase" of abandonment triggers that a healthy relationship felt like a threat to my survival.

Self-Abandonment is a Hell of a Drug

We call it "being a supportive partner," but let’s call it what it really is: Self-abandonment.

We spend so much time "regulating" everyone else’s mood that we completely ignore our own. We become "fixers" because if we’re busy fixing them, we don’t have to feel the deep, itchy unworthiness sitting in our own gut.

And what do we do when that pressure gets too high? We escape with food.

I spent years "people-pleasing" all day and "sugar-pleasing" all night. I was a professional at keeping the peace with everyone except myself.

The "Regulated Life" Reality Check

I’ve been in full remission from this circus for 10 years now. How? It wasn't a "dating hack."

It was a nervous system repair job.

1. I Quitted the Sugar: You can't heal a betrayal wound when your blood sugar is spiking and crashing, mimicking a panic attack. A low-sugar lifestyle was my first boundary.

2. I Embraced the "Slow": I stopped the "urgency" of responding to every text and fixing every problem. I chose slow living because my peace is more important than your approval.

3. I Healed the Root: I stopped "fawning" for crumbs and started feeding my own soul.

The Bottom Line

You aren't "attracting" these people; you're just not hitting the "ignore" button when they show up because their distance feels like home. Stop trying to "find the one" and start being the one who refuses to abandon herself ever again.

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ARE YOU LOOKING TO DIVE DEEPER INTO SELF-CARE?

I Can Help in Developing A Plan For Self Care

 Do you want help developing a self-care plan that works for your own busy schedule? Do you want accountability in implementing a self-care plan? If you or someone you love is struggling to maintain optimal mental and emotional health, consider reaching out to Spiced Life Conversation Art Wellness Studio and Botanica. We are a Metro Atlanta, Conyers Georgia area. We are a coaching and counseling practice with empathetic, skilled counselors and recovery coaches who can help you set goals, develop a self-care routine, and move forward to build a more fulfilling life. Our team would be happy to work with you either just for a couple of sessions to develop and implement a Self-care plan or longer term to work toward overall better mental health within our membership site or other programs.

Dr. Nikki LeToya White

About The Author:  Dr. Nikki LeToya White MSEd-TL, Ph.D. RHN is the founder, director, and full-time board-certified trauma-informed nutritionist, folk herbalist, and wellness consultant at Spiced Life Conversation Art Wellness Studio and Botanica. She created Spiced Life Conversation, LLC Art Wellness Studio, and Botanica to provide the Metro Atlanta area with counseling and coaching services where clients are carefully matched with the right program for healing abandonment and childhood emotional neglect trauma that cause codependency, emotional eating, financial stress, and imposter syndrome as it relates to the fear of success and being abandon. We help you begin your emotional healing journey with ease. Recently, we have expanded to include an online membership site so we now provide support to people living all over the world. All of our recovery coaches provide at least one evidence-based treatment to assist in your recovery. Dr. White is a big proponent of self-care and helping people live a fulfilling life! She has been in full remission with both codependency and emotional binge eating disorder since 2016. In living a life in recovery from sugar addiction. I love my low-sugar balanced lifestyle.

Best Regards

 Dr. Nikki LeToya White