You’re Not Codependent — You’re Disconnected From Yourself

How women mistake self-abandonment for love, people-pleasing, and codependency, and how reconnecting to yourself restores emotional freedom

I used to think I was codependent.I thought my worth depended on being needed, fixing others, and staying available at all costs.What I didn’t realize was that I was disconnected from myself — and that’s what everyone else noticed first.

When Giving Feels Like Survival

If you’ve ever found yourself:

• prioritizing someone else’s happiness over your own

• bending over backward to avoid conflict

• feeling guilty for wanting time alone

…you’ve probably heard the word “codependent” thrown at you.

I did too.

But labeling it “codependency” didn’t help me.It made me feel broken, deficient, like

something was wrong with me.

The truth was simpler, and harder: I was disconnected from myself.

I had spent years being tuned into everyone else — their moods, their needs, their expectations — and completely tuned out my own.

My Wake-Up Moment

I remember it vividly.

It was a Tuesday, the kind that looks normal but leaves a bruise on your spirit.

I had just spent an hour talking a friend through a breakup, and she thanked me for being “so supportive.”I smiled politely, but inside I felt hollow.

I sat in my car afterward and asked myself a question I hadn’t dared to ask in years:

“When was the last time I cared for me without guilt?”

The answer: I couldn’t remember.

That’s when I realized: this wasn’t love.It was survival mode.I was protecting others’ emotional comfort while abandoning my own.

Disconnection Masquerades as Codependency

Many women confuse codependency with love because disconnection feels like loyalty.

Signs you might be disconnected from yourself:

• You feel responsible for others’ feelings.

• You rarely say no, even when it drains you.

• You prioritize being liked over being authentic.

• You can’t remember the last time you followed your own desires without second-guessing.

• You feel “resentful but obligated” more than “fulfilled and chosen.”

Sound familiar?

That’s not weakness.That’s the nervous system remembering how to survive emotionally.

How Emotional Disconnection Develops

I’ve seen it over and over with women in recovery:

• Childhood emotional neglect teaches us that our feelings don’t matter.

• Constant messages to “be good” or “keep the peace” train us to monitor everyone else.

• Trauma, abandonment, or inconsistency teaches the body that safety is found in self-erasure.

We learn early that being ourselves is risky.Being invisible is safe.Being adaptable is survival.

So we grow up thinking: Love is giving. Love is fixing. Love is disappearing.

The Emotional Weight of Disconnection

Disconnection doesn’t feel light.It carries:

• exhaustion

• anxiety

• constant people-pleasing

• difficulty setting boundaries

• craving validation

• emotional eating to fill invisible gaps

I remember nights sitting on the edge of my bed, exhausted from being available to everyone else but depleted in my own skin.

You can meet the expectations of everyone else, yet feel completely invisible to yourself.

That’s the heartbreak of disconnection.

My Journey Back to Myself

Recovery didn’t start with boundaries.It didn’t start with affirmations.It started with noticing.

I began to track:

• When I said “yes” because I wanted to.

• When I said “yes” out of obligation or fear.

• What parts of me I had abandoned to keep others comfortable.

I journaled the questions that felt too dangerous to speak aloud:

• Am I here because I want to be, or because I’m afraid of being rejected?

• What do I really want if no one else’s opinion mattered?

• Which part of me have I been leaving out to feel safe?

It hurt.It scared me.It challenged every story I’d told about myself.

But every day I answered honestly, my sense of self grew.Every “yes” aligned with my truth, my nervous system relaxed a little.Every “no” without guilt strengthened me.

Reconnecting Feels Radical

Reconnecting to yourself isn’t dramatic.It isn’t always loud.It’s subtle:

• Saying no to the extra task at work without shame.

• Choosing the restaurant you actually want instead of the group’s pick.

• Spending an evening alone without apologizing.

• Not responding immediately to someone else’s crisis.

• Listening to your body instead of ignoring the exhaustion.

Every small choice is a brick in the foundation of your self-connection.

Why Women Resist Reconnection

Here’s the trap: we confuse being disconnected with being needed.

We think:

• “If I stop giving, people won’t love me.”

• “If I choose myself, I’m selfish.”

• “If I stop fixing, relationships will fall apart.”

That fear is real — but it’s rooted in disconnection.When you reconnect, you realize: the relationships that can’t handle your boundaries weren’t meant to hold you anyway.

This is freedom masquerading as fear.

Healing Isn’t About Others — It’s About You

Let me be clear: you’re not fixing anyone when you heal.

You’re restoring your presence.You’re learning to inhabit your body, your emotions, your energy fully.You’re choosing yourself over habitual survival.

And when you do this, the people who can see you, hear you, and respect you will gravitate naturally.Not everyone will stay — and that’s the lesson.You don’t need to shrink to fit someone else’s comfort.

Reflection Prompt to Support Your Inner Work

• When was the last time I chose myself without guilt?

• Where am I saying “yes” out of fear rather than desire?

• Which parts of me have I abandoned to make others comfortable?

• What small action today could honor my own boundaries?

• How does disconnection feel in my body? Tight? Tired? Hollow?

• Which relationships in my life respond positively when I show up fully?

If this article hit home, that’s your intuition nudging you.

Inside Coming Home to You and the Gutty Girl Lifestyle Academy, I guide women through reconnecting to themselves, understanding emotional disconnection, and breaking patterns of self-abandonment — without shame, pressure, or quick fixes.

It’s space to feel, reflect, and return home to yourself.

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ARE YOU LOOKING TO DIVE DEEPER INTO SELF-CARE?

I Can Help in Developing A Plan For Self Care

 Do you want help developing a self-care plan that works for your own busy schedule? Do you want accountability in implementing a self-care plan? If you or someone you love is struggling to maintain optimal mental and emotional health, consider reaching out to Spiced Life Conversation Art Wellness Studio and Botanica. We are a Metro Atlanta, Conyers Georgia area. We are a coaching and counseling practice with empathetic, skilled counselors and recovery coaches who can help you set goals, develop a self-care routine, and move forward to build a more fulfilling life. Our team would be happy to work with you either just for a couple of sessions to develop and implement a Self-care plan or longer term to work toward overall better mental health within our membership site or other programs.

About The Author:  Dr. Nikki LeToya White MSEd-TL, Ph.D. RHN is the founder, director, and full-time board-certified trauma-informed nutritionist, folk herbalist, and wellness consultant at Spiced Life Conversation Art Wellness Studio and Botanica. She created Spiced Life Conversation, LLC Art Wellness Studio, and Botanica to provide the Metro Atlanta area with counseling and coaching services where clients are carefully matched with the right program for healing abandonment and childhood emotional neglect trauma that cause codependency, emotional eating, financial stress, and imposter syndrome as it relates to the fear of success and being abandon. We help you begin your emotional healing journey with ease. Recently, we have expanded to include an online membership site so we now provide support to people living all over the world. All of our recovery coaches provide at least one evidence-based treatment to assist in your recovery. Dr. White is a big proponent of self-care and helping people live a fulfilling life! She has been in full remission with both codependency and emotional binge eating disorder since 2016. In living a life in recovery from sugar addiction. I love my low-sugar balanced lifestyle.

Best Regards

 Dr. Nikki LeToya White