Codependency and Emotional Eating Recovery: Self-Abandonment The Quiet Way We Leave Ourselves Behind (and How I Learned to Come Back)

For a long time, I didn’t trust myself.

Not in the dramatic, “I make reckless decisions” way.In the quieter way.The sneaky way.

I trusted everyone else more than I trusted my own body.Other people’s opinions more than my own knowing.External approval more than my internal signals.

If something felt off, I talked myself out of it.If something hurt, I minimized it.If I needed rest, comfort, or reassurance, I told myself to push through.

From the outside, I looked functional. Capable. Put together.On the inside, I was constantly negotiating with myself about whether my feelings were “valid enough” to matter.

That wasn’t discipline.That wasn’t maturity.

That was self-abandonment.

What Self-Abandonment Actually Looks Like (Beyond the Buzzwords)

Self-abandonment isn’t always obvious. It doesn’t always look like chaos or self-destruction.

Sometimes it looks like:

• Overthinking every decision until you’re exhausted, then letting someone else decide

• Asking for advice when you already know the answer, just hoping someone will co-sign it

• Saying “I’m fine” when your body is screaming otherwise

• Staying in relationships where you feel unseen because leaving feels worse than disappearing slowly

• Being kind to everyone except yourself

• Using food, productivity, perfectionism, or caretaking to numb what you don’t feel allowed to feel

It’s not that you don’t have instincts.It’s that you don’t trust them.

It’s not that you don’t know what you need.It’s that you’ve learned your needs are inconvenient.

Self-abandonment is what happens when your nervous system learns early on that being yourself costs too much.

Where This Pattern Really Starts

No one wakes up one day and decides, “I think I’ll emotionally neglect myself.”

This pattern is learned.

It usually begins in childhood, especially in homes where:

• Emotions weren’t welcomed

• Needs were minimized or ignored

• Love felt conditional

• Adults were physically present but emotionally unavailable

• You were praised for being “easy,” “strong,” or “mature for your age”

When you grow up in environments like that, you adapt. You have to.

You learn:

• To scan the room before speaking

• To read moods instead of listening to your own

• To become who’s needed instead of who you are

• To hide discomfort to keep connection

• That love is earned through performance, not presence

As a child, that adaptation makes sense. It keeps you safe.As an adult, it becomes a cage.

I didn’t learn how to be there for myself because no one showed me how.I learned how to disappear politely.

The Food Piece No One Wants to Talk About Honestly

Let’s be real.

For a lot of us, food became the safest place to go when no one else felt safe.

Not because we were weak.Because eating doesn’t require permission.

Food doesn’t judge.Food doesn’t abandon you mid-sentence.Food doesn’t say, “You’re too much.”

So when feelings felt dangerous or inconvenient, food stepped in.When rest felt undeserved, sugar became relief.When comfort felt unavailable, numbing felt easier.

That isn’t a lack of willpower.That’s a survival strategy.

But here’s the hard truth: numbing is still abandonment.It’s just quieter.

The Cost of Leaving Yourself Repeatedly

Self-abandonment doesn’t stay contained. It leaks.

It shows up as:

• Anxiety that won’t settle

• Relationships that feel one-sided or draining

• Chronic self-doubt

• A constant feeling of being “behind” or “not enough”

• Loneliness, even when you’re not alone

• A deep exhaustion that rest alone doesn’t fix

You can accomplish a lot while abandoning yourself.Ask me how I know.

But no amount of achievement replaces self-trust.

And eventually, your body will call the meeting your mind keeps postponing.

I didn’t stop abandoning myself all at once.

There wasn’t a single breakthrough moment where everything clicked.It was quieter than that.

It started with noticing.

Noticing how often I dismissed my own discomfort.Noticing how quickly I explained myself away.Noticing how foreign it felt to ask, “What do I need right now?” and actually listen.

That question alone can feel terrifying if you were never allowed to have needs.

But it’s the doorway back.

Step One: Allowing Feelings Without Fixing Them

The first thing I had to learn was this:

Feelings don’t need solutions to be valid.

They need presence.

For a long time, I thought being “strong” meant staying functional.What it actually meant was staying disconnected.

So I started small.

I checked in with myself throughout the day:

• What am I feeling right now?

• Where do I feel it in my body?

• What does this feeling need — not what would make it disappear?

Sometimes the answer was rest.Sometimes it was space.Sometimes it was honesty.Sometimes it was just permission to feel without rushing to regulate.

Staying present with discomfort is not weakness.It’s self-loyalty.

Step Two: Becoming a Safe Place for Yourself

If no one ever taught you how to comfort yourself, you’re not broken.

You’re unpracticed.

Self-compassion felt awkward to me at first. Almost fake.My inner voice was trained to motivate through pressure, not care.

But here’s what changed things:

I stopped talking to myself the way I was talked to when I was scared.

Instead of:“You should be over this.”I tried:“Of course this hurts.”

Instead of:“What’s wrong with you?”I tried:“This makes sense.”

Instead of:“Just push through.”I tried:“You don’t have to earn rest.”

That shift alone softened something deep in my nervous system.

You don’t heal self-abandonment by becoming harsher.You heal it by becoming safer.

Step Three: Choosing Authenticity Over Approval

This part costs something.

Because when you stop abandoning yourself, some people get uncomfortable.

They were used to the version of you who over-explained.Who accommodated.Who stayed quiet to keep the peace.

Authenticity doesn’t always look loud.Sometimes it looks like not volunteering extra emotional labor.Sometimes it looks like saying less.Sometimes it looks like letting people misunderstand you.

I had to accept this truth:Not everyone benefits from you being whole.

And that’s okay.

You’re not here to be palatable.You’re here to be real.

Step Four: Letting Your Values Lead Again

Self-abandonment often pulls us out of alignment.

We say yes when our body says no.We prioritize harmony over honesty.We betray our own values to maintain connection.

Coming back to yourself means asking:

• Does this choice reflect who I am now?

• Am I acting from fear or self-respect?

• Is this aligned with my values, or just familiar?

Alignment feels steadier than approval.Quieter.Less dramatic.

But it builds trust — with yourself first.

The Relationship You Can’t Escape

There’s a line by Diane von Furstenberg that stuck with me:

“The most important relationship in your life is the relationship you have with yourself.

Because no matter what happens, you will always be with yourself.”

That hit because it’s true in the most unromantic way.

You can leave relationships.Change careers.Move cities.

You cannot leave yourself.

So the question becomes:Will you keep disappearing from your own life?Or will you learn to stay?

Reconnecting To Your Authentic Self Is a Practice, Not a Personality Trait

Stopping self-abandonment isn’t about becoming confident overnight.

It’s about practicing loyalty to yourself in small, unglamorous moments:

• When you honor hunger instead of ignoring it

• When you rest without justifying it

• When you tell the truth gently but clearly

• When you feel something fully instead of numbing it

• When you choose self-respect over self-betrayal

Some days you’ll slip.That doesn’t mean you’ve failed.

It means you noticed — and noticing is the opposite of abandonment.

Final Truth For You To Ponder

You didn’t abandon yourself because you’re weak.

You did it because it once kept you safe.

But you’re not there anymore.

You get to be the adult who stays now.The one who listens.The one who believes you.The one who doesn’t disappear when things get uncomfortable.

That’s not self-indulgence.That’s repair.

And it changes everything.

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ARE YOU LOOKING TO DIVE DEEPER INTO SELF-CARE?

I Can Help in Developing A Plan For Self Care

 Do you want help developing a self-care plan that works for your own busy schedule? Do you want accountability in implementing a self-care plan? If you or someone you love is struggling to maintain optimal mental and emotional health, consider reaching out to Spiced Life Conversation Art Wellness Studio and Botanica. We are a Metro Atlanta, Conyers Georgia area. We are a coaching and counseling practice with empathetic, skilled counselors and recovery coaches who can help you set goals, develop a self-care routine, and move forward to build a more fulfilling life. Our team would be happy to work with you either just for a couple of sessions to develop and implement a Self-care plan or longer term to work toward overall better mental health within our membership site or other programs.

Dr. Nikki LeToya White

About The Author:  Dr. Nikki LeToya White MSEd-TL, Ph.D. RHN is the founder, director, and full-time board-certified trauma-informed nutritionist, folk herbalist, and wellness consultant at Spiced Life Conversation Art Wellness Studio and Botanica. She created Spiced Life Conversation, LLC Art Wellness Studio, and Botanica to provide the Metro Atlanta area with counseling and coaching services where clients are carefully matched with the right program for healing abandonment and childhood emotional neglect trauma that cause codependency, emotional eating, financial stress, and imposter syndrome as it relates to the fear of success and being abandon. We help you begin your emotional healing journey with ease. Recently, we have expanded to include an online membership site so we now provide support to people living all over the world. All of our recovery coaches provide at least one evidence-based treatment to assist in your recovery. Dr. White is a big proponent of self-care and helping people live a fulfilling life! She has been in full remission with both codependency and emotional binge eating disorder since 2016. In living a life in recovery from sugar addiction. I love my low-sugar balanced lifestyle.

Best Regards

 Dr. Nikki LeToya White