Part 2 — Breaking The Cycle of Codependency: No more living in fantasy
- Nikki White
- Jan 3
- 6 min read
Do the work to stop attracting bad relationships and unavailable partners
This is part two of Breaking the Cycle of Codependency, One-Sided Relationships, and Healing the Abandonment Wound Once and for All.
After you completed a life audit and part one, what did you learn? After a life audit it’s important to share your goals and boundaries with the people in your life. But there’s one key rule: don’t lead with them. As someone who tends to lose herself in relationships, pause for a minute and let the other person go first.
Why? Because we’re used to being manipulated and taken advantage of. We attract selfish, unavailable, inconsiderate people. If you put your goals and limits out first, you set yourself up to be cajoled or appeased. The other person may seem to agree just to keep you involved or happy — then once you relax, it’s the same old bullshit.
So let them go first. Watch what they actually do. Once you determine it’s a fit, both partners’ goals are aligned, and everyone defines their limits, negotiation can begin. If you’re incompatible, decide: break it off, be friends, or marry. No more fantasizing about how it could eventually work out, (this is advice I wish someone had told me in all my hearbreak relationships). Hoping someone will change — or that you’ll change them — is a fast track to wasted time, heavy disappointment, and more hurt.
The process is simple but honest work. Admit to yourself when this is not the ideal situation, and decide if the limits you demand for your life match the reality of the relationship.
We all need time to audit our lives and reset when we’re out of balance or misaligned. We also need emotional distance so we don’t lose our identity.
Interaction audit — check these now and revisit as the relationship evolves:
What do I want?
What am I willing to accept?
What am I not willing to accept?
Is this person married or living with someone?
Have they been married before?
Why did their marriage or last relationship end?
How do they feel about commitment?
Do this person what kids?
Is their family financially dependent on them?
As you move through life, pause and reflect. Alone time isn’t selfish — it’s maintenance. Use it to regenerate, reconnect with your power and vision, and stay true to yourself.
You don’t have to apologize for doing this. You don’t have to explain yourself. You are allowed to do what’s best for you and honor your boundaries. No escaping with food. No withdrawing into addiction. Schedule the time you need to feel the pain, process it, and then make the choice that serves you.
You have the power to become unstuck. You have the power to create out of chaos.
How Parts 1 & 2 actually help you break the cycle — A practical guide you can use today
Short version: Part 1 gets you to notice the patterns and own the wound. Part 2 gives you the process to stop repeating the patterns. Together they give you a map and a method — awareness + structure = change. Below is a simple, trauma-informed plan to apply both to your life.
1) Do the Life Audit (30–90 minutes)
What to do: list every close relationship (romantic, family, close friends, coworkers). Rate each 1–5 on: respect, reciprocity, emotional safety, alignment with your values.Quick outcome: you’ll see who drains you, who sustains you, and where the one-sided patterns live.
2) Pause before you share (the “Let them go first” move)
Real step: in the first deep convos, say something like, “I want to hear what matters to you first — your goals, deal-breakers, how you see a relationship.” Then listen for consistency between words and actions over 4–8 weeks.Why it works: it exposes performative agreeableness and gives you time to observe behavior.
Script: “I want to know your non-negotiables before I share mine. It helps me see how compatible we are.”
3) Use the Interaction Audit regularly (every 30 days)
What to do: rerun the questions from Part 2. Check for change, not just promises. If answers don’t match behavior, decide.
4) Set boundaries with short, firm scripts
Small examples you can use:
“I can’t do that. That doesn’t work for me.”
“I need support this week. If you can’t, tell me now so I can plan.”
“No thanks — that doesn’t align with my values.”
Practice saying them out loud. It feels weird at first. That’s normal.
5) Create emotional distance without shame
Tactics: schedule weekly solo time, block out an evening for your hobbies, say “I need space to process” and actually take it. Use the time to journal, walk, paint, or call one trusted friend. This keeps you anchored so you don’t dissolve into the other person’s needs.
6) Replace numbing with processing
If your go-to is food, scrolling, substances, or withdrawal: build a short plan for when the urge hits.Example plan (5 minutes):
1) Breathe 3 slow deep breaths,
2) label the feeling (“I feel lonely/angry/ashamed”),
3) choose one action (text a friend, walk, journal one paragraph).Do this instead of defaulting to automatic soothing.
7) Decide quickly when limits don’t match reality
If, after observing and negotiating, the relationship requires you to sacrifice core limits (safety, honesty, major life goals), choose: end it, reclassify it as friendship, or accept the cost and walk away later. Don’t wait for change that rarely comes.
8) Run a 30-day boundary challenge (tiny test that builds muscle)
Week 1: pick one boundary to enforce (time, money, talk topics).Week 2: practice the script twice with different people.Week 3: extend the boundary for three consecutive interactions.Week 4: reflect and audit — did you keep your sense of self? Repeat or raise the boundary.
9) Keep accountability and compassionate curiosity
Tell one person your goal (friend, coach, therapist). Ask them to check in. When you slip, don’t shame — ask: “What triggered me? What did I need?” Then try again.
10) Mini story — how this actually looks (real, not neat)
I used to fantasize about a family and convince myself someone would grow into the role. My codependency blinded me from thr truth. Now I do life aduits and teach my clients to do the same. After my life audit I paused, let them speak first, and watched for consistency. When I heard the words but saw no follow-through — no texts, no planning, no emotional labor — I enforced a boundary: no more being the default. It was brutal at first. He pushed back. I held my line and scheduled alone time to grieve. Eventually, the reality matched the boundary: either he stepped up, or he was gone. Both outcomes taught me something — and I got to keep myself.
Quick scripts you can copy
Let them lead: “Before I share what I want, tell me what you want long-term.”
When they gaslight: “I hear your side, but my experience is different. I’m choosing my truth.”
When they try to cajole: “If you want me included, show up in ways that prove it. Words aren’t enough.”
You don’t need a dramatic overhaul overnight. Start with one audit, one boundary, one minute of solo time. The point is steady, honest practice. Parts 1 and 2 give you clarity (what’s happening) and a method (how to act). Use them together and you’ll stop attracting the same unavailable people, stop self-abandoning, and slowly build relationships that actually match the life you want.
I pray this helps someone create stronger boundaries in their lives. Much love and peace.
Dr. Nikki LeToya White
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About The Author: Dr. Nikki LeToya White MSEd-TL, Ph.D. RHN is the founder, director, and full-time board-certified trauma-informed nutritionist, folk herbalist, and wellness consultant at Spiced Life Conversation Art Wellness Studio and Botanica. She created Spiced Life Conversation, LLC Art Wellness Studio, and Botanica to provide the Metro Atlanta area with counseling and coaching services where clients are carefully matched with the right program for healing abandonment and childhood emotional neglect trauma that cause codependency, emotional eating, financial stress, and imposter syndrome as it relates to the fear of success and being abandon. We help you begin your emotional healing journey with ease. Recently, we have expanded to include an online membership site so we now provide support to people living all over the world. All of our recovery coaches provide at least one evidence-based treatment to assist in your recovery. Dr. White is a big proponent of self-care and helping people live a fulfilling life! She has been in full remission with both codependency and emotional binge eating disorder since 2016. In living a life in recovery from sugar addiction. I love my low-sugar balanced lifestyle.
Best Regards
Dr. Nikki LeToya White
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