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Broken Vagina

Updated: Feb 23

This is a four part series celebrating Self Care September. This is post two of four you can read post one here.

As I mention in post one. Each year in September I’ve had a ritual to reboot after the summer. However, for the past seven years I’ve made a very good habit to not go off track during the summer with my wellness goals due to my emotional binge eating disorder relapse in 2013. In order to stay in recovery I live a strict lifestyle around my wellness plan. After sharing this with clients and students of the self care and wellness lifestyle within the GuttyGirl Lifestyle Community it kind of became a ritual that many people could relate too. Therefore, each September is dedicated to jump starting all newbies wellness plan. So, if you are new to self care, womb wellness, eating healthy, or wellness in general and wanting to start your emotional healing journey please join us this month to jumpstart your wellness goals. I will write about whole life detox in a four part series so stay tune for the next three post in this series. Each series will help you get started in each area.

The thing is self care means many different things as you may define it in a different way than me or someone else. It’s very personal and unique depending on your lifestyle and wellness goals. It includes asking questions like are you getting enough sleep, setting realistic goals, journaling your thoughts, creating a monthly budget, spending time with those you love, setting boundaries and balance in business, your home life and other relationships, monitoring self-talk, starting your day with prayer/meditating and reading inspiring literature before stating your day in something I like to call tag sessions time alone with God? But in my case my self care ritual started with women nutrition health and wellness for a very private issues I will boldly share with you today as I am very transparent when sharing the truth about my own soul contract to inspire others to heal and recover. Yet, another damn shame story for me to work through, process, and heal from.

Here we go!

My wellness began not because I was diagnosed with a binge eating disorder but because I had a broken vagina. Let me explain.

After becoming a trucker wife as you know I was mom shamed during the same season. If you haven’t read my “shame story” please go back and read it here. Everyone was saying “Oh gosh! You’re pregnant again.” And other degrading comments about my life choices as a mom. What they didn’t know was that I just happen to become pregnant during the times my husband was able to come home from off the road as an over the road truck driver.

And the shocking part was that I was diagnosed with vaginal atrophy in my early 20's. Yeap you read that right my vaginal was broken and the walls were thinning.

Vaginal atrophy is inflammation, vaginal dryness, and thinning of the vaginal walls due to low estrogen levels. The condition is also known as atrophic vaginitis. There are many forms of treatment for vaginal atrophy. The thing is this happens to most women later in life during menopause not in their twenties. According to an article I read on “Menopause is caused by declining estrogen production by the ovaries,” says Oz Harmanli, M.D., chief of urogynecology & reconstructive pelvic surgery and professor of obstetrics, gynecology and reproductive sciences at Yale School of Medicine, New Haven, CT. And that, in turn, leads to vaginal atrophy for a large number of women. That’s because the drop in the estrogen hormone has a variety of impacts, including “thinning of the vaginal lining, lowering fluid production by vaginal cells in response to sexual arousal, and decreasing cervical and other genitourinary glandular mucus production,” Dr. Harmanli says.”

But my doctor told me my struggle with the condition being so young had to do with my low estrogen levels and the lack of sex I was having. “As estrogen levels begin to drop, some women begin to experience symptoms of vaginal atrophy,” Dr. Harmanli says.

The truth is, I got married in Montego Bay Jamaica on March 2, 2002 and got pregnant on my honeymoon. I gave birth to my first daughter on December 11th and when she turn six months old I found out I was pregnant again with my second daughter. I was only having sex once a month or once every two months depending on when my over the road truck driving husband came home. Therefore, no sex, breast-feeding just a little (I say just a little because each time I only produced milk for three months than nothing, it just completely stopped. This happened with all four pregnancies.) My hormones was all over the place but mostly I experience low estrogen.

According to Health Central, “Women who have recently given birth or are breastfeeding may experience VA while their hormones shift postpartum. “This, again, we think is related to lower levels of circulating estrogen,” says Caroline Mitchell, M.D., director of the Vulvovaginal Disorders Program at the Vincent Center for Reproductive Biology at Massachusetts General Hospital and associate professor of obstetrics, gynecology, and reproductive biology at Harvard Medical School in Boston, since “postpartum and breastfeeding is a time of really high progesterone and lower estrogen.” Symptoms often resolve as the body returns to its normal hormonal level after the fourth trimester and weaning from breastfeeding.”

For me, my body never returned to normal. I became pregnant with my son and had a major breakdown due to suicidal thoughts and high stress I didn’t understand how to deal with. This was a very stressful time for me due to all the change. I had just bought a house and moved to Atlanta. I got married and had a baby all in the same year. Then had another baby and the mom shaming began on top of becoming a trucker wife trying to balance college, an infant, a one year old, the household, and a long distance marriage all while being four hours away from friends and family. I had no support or me time. No one understood what I was going through as a trucker wife. People kept saying you need to move back to Florida. Go home so you can have some help. But what was I suppose to do, move back to receive help from my mom who was a highway patrol officer with a demanding high stress job and schedule that required different shifts. All while never seeing my husband due to he worked over the road and his stops always started and ended in Atlanta, never Florida. I pretty much would need to get a divorce because we were already struggling with long distance marriage. I already felt like I was married but living like a single parent. It was hard enough seeing him every few months. I wasn’t going to risk my marriage by never seeing him. At least if I lived in the hub of the trucking world “Atlanta” he could come home for a couple of hours and we could see him then. No one understood this. Therefore, like everything in my life I did as a loner-wife. You can check different stories I posted during the early times when I created my blog at, which inspired me to begin my career in marriage and family counseling and life coaching for trucking wives- Helping them navigate life after divorce.

But soon after, I became pregnant with my son I was on a verge of breakdown. On top of dealing with a broken vagina that made me cringe every time I tried to be intimate with my husband. All the stress and anxiety I was going through is an overstatement. Then I started to have panic attacks whenever my husband left to go over the road. The separation anxiety was cause by a deep hidden wound of abandonment and childhood emotional neglect that cause me to escape with food and develop my emotional binge eating disorder. My escaping with food did so much damage to my body and digestive system. I already had problems prior and had to have anal fissure surgery but all the sugar I consumed cause me to develop Candida. Candidiasis is a fungal infection caused by a yeast (a type of fungus) called Candida. So as you can see I was a hot mess.

In addition to all of this I had to move back to Florida because we lost our home and one of our cars during the 2008 real estate market crash, we were one of the victims who were manipulated into a sale transaction with a real estate agent that was taking advantage of distressed families given bad information while on the back end he had a family member lined up to buy the properties he listed for short sale and flip them making thousands of dollars in profit. Before we could do a quick sale the bank stopped all transaction that involved this realtor due to unethical behavior and we had to restart the entire process of listing our home with a new realtor it was just a long process and very stressful and we ending up going into foreclosure - again you can read the full shame here. When my son was six months old I found out I was pregnant again with my daughter, our fourth child. By that time I was use to all of the mom shaming and disappointment I was attracting within my life. So I had isolated myself from a lot of folks just to feel less pressure of not being good enough for them. I end up having to leave my three kids with my mom something I vowed I would never do because that is exactly what she had done to me which cause my abandonment wound at age five when she left me to live with my great grandmother to pursue her career in law enforcement.

But I needed to work at the time so I enrolled them in Headstart and I did what I had to do and took a job in Montgomery, Alabama as a front office receptionist at a children dentist office where my best friend worked as a dental hygienist. It was tough leaving them but I drove the three hours home every weekend. But first, I had to high tail an extra hour to Panama City for my Gyn appointment before going back an hour to my mom house to spend time with my children for one day before traveling back to work. So think five hours straight of driving after working five hours because we got off early on Fridays. I was four months pregnant at the time and exhausted. This behavior lead me to spending a day in the hospital because I fainted at work when I was seven months pregnant. Luckily, I didn’t land on my stomach a dental assistant caught me as I was going down. I was taking medical charts back to the hygienist and down I went. I woke up in the break room with my best friend praying over me and anointing my head with oil. I didn’t even know what had happen. So I went to the hospital to see if everything was okay and they kept me overnight. They said I was exhausted, dehydrated and my blood pressure was up. And yes, I was all alone again. Scared and living life as a loner-wife.™ Regardless, of how alone I was I did this routine every week until I gave birth, exhausted and all. Self care was not a part of my daily routine back then, even though my spiritual teacher was warning me to slow down. She did my tarot cards each month and gave me spiritual guidance while training me in the healing arts of herbalism and hoodoo spiritual practices because I was interested in herbs and learning the art of rootwork I wanted to learn how to use herbs and spices in my juicing to help the body heal itself using food as medicine. But I didn’t listen to her about reducing the stress and taking care of myself. I was just focus on supporting others like I always did and getting money saved to get back to Atlanta to be closer to the trucker hub to see my husband. We had planned to get a house in Montgomery since I was finally working because it was very hard to get a job when I did start to look in Atlanta without knowing anyone you are pretty much fucked. But moving didn’t fall through on my husband end. More stress I was dealing with the trucking lifestyle!

Health Central says, “While not the source of the condition, tension in your life can intensify vaginal pain. “If you're having a bad day, everything feels worse,” says Dr. Mitchell. But, while high-stress times may heighten symptoms, it’s important to remember that the pain is real—and not your fault for being stressed. “The message I try very hard not to give people is that this is all in your head—it’s not.”

I agree none of it was all in my head, I was really struggling and didn’t understand how to cope. So my message for you.